Monday, October 17, 2011

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The time has crept past 2 AM and I continue to gaze directly ahead at the luminescent rectangle in front of me. My body has just begun to communicate its desire to to go horizontal and shut down. My mind continues on. I feel the tides of my life changing. As if seeing myself from the shore amidst it all happening, yet in the water all the same. Paradoxical. Everything is swirling but I remain unconcerned. This is a change. My instinctive response is fear, but that has given way to comfort, or rather, more accurately, excitement. It is odd. Perhaps akin to encountering an old enemy but receiving him/her as a friend. Nonetheless...

I feel as if I am in new territory but that does not seem quite right as I thought I was supposed to end up in a familiar place. Everything around me is the same. It seems so physically, at least. But, no, I feel so different. Could this be similar to the experience of an amnesiac? Do I have amnesia? Do you? Do we all forgot who we are? Do we know who we are? Is that even possible? To know who you are?

I don't know. Though I always want to know. I know that I do not know yet I want to know. Paradoxical. But, not problematic. So long as you lay down your guard against the confusion. So long as you content yourself with wandering about this existence, embracing all you encounter along the way, and without regard to where you will end up. Simply remind yourself that not all of those who wander are lost. You can only be lost if you are trying to arrive at a specific destination. You are lost if you try to arrive at a specific destination, for once you think you are there, you are not. Because you become restless and discontented; you need to move on to a new destination. You will continue this trend. Going about from place to place, only realizing that once you reach your destination it is no longer where you want to be because your realized all along it was the hunt and search for the end that drove you, not realizing the end in itself. So you will end up wandering...which is exactly what you turned away from in the first place because you didn't see a point in it. Or its aimlessness scared you. Its freedom was paralyzing. Or you never considered it a plausible or sustainable way to live. Now, it seems, it is the only way. In fact, it seems quite inevitable. Well, now.

May as well strap those boots tight and look to the road ahead of you. It's all you will know. To go and go. How will you travel, though? Speeding ahead, brow furrowed, moving furiously, towards some delusional goal? No. Go slow, my friend. Go slow.

I tell myself, anyway.

1 comment:

  1. "I want to explore the depths of life and death, but not be obsessed with finding the bottom."